his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
