if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
