Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
