I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
