I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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