so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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