Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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