Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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