I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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