He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
