WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
