You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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