is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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