According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
