I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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