If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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