I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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