Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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