I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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