that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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