this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
