ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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