Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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