i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
