Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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