i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
