Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
