my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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