mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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