i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
