She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
