New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
