My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
