Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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