There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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