Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There are leaves in my underwear?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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