Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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