Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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