I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
