Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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