WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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