nut hugger
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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