I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
