it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
