He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
