Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
