Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
