So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
