I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
