Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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