I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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